Going Through Changes

I woke up at 6:00 this morning wanting so bad to just hit myself over the fucking head with a frying pan and knock myself back out. I don't know what to do with myself. She continues to be all I can think about and I wish so bad I knew what she was thinking about. I have already cried several times this morning, wishing so bad Jenn would text me 'good morning' or call, or just come up behind me and wrap her arms around me.

I don't have the will to empty out the drawer next to her side of the bed. I don't have the will to empty her things out of the bathroom. Everything is right where she left it. I can't bear to throw out her cards. I also can't bear to delete my pictures of her, and of us together.

I want nothing more than the opportunity to start this relationship over from day zero with a clean slate. I look at myself in pictures of us happily together, and I just want to jump into the image and ring my own fucking neck and yell, "Don't fuck this up, you asshole! You're going to lose the most amazing woman in the world if you don't get your god damn act together. Wake the fuck up and realize what you have already!"

I want to call her or message her, but I am so afraid to. I dread that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore after our last talk the other night, and it hurts so much.

Did I lose her entirely and for good? I want to see her beautiful face on the caller ID again, I want to hear her voice so bad again, I want to see her messages pop up again, I want to bring joy into her life again, and ONLY joy.

Regardless of how she may of felt about what I wrote yesterday; if she even read it, I hope I didn't lose her friendship. Her absence this past 24 hours has been brutal on me. She is the only star that shines through the cloudy skies of my life. Please don't go.

Song of the day with lyrics:

Please read, Jenn..

It's so hard. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this weekend. Not so much because it's the time of the week where we would see each other if at all, but because even if we didn't see each other, I could get through the weekend and I can rest my head just knowing you loved me, that we were together; that you were mine.

But it's been several weeks now since we have seen each other, and with every day that passes without you, I lose a little more of myself. I want to see you so bad. How many different ways can I say that you mean everything to me?  I can't live this way, I just fucking can't and I'm scared I am not going to ever recover.

Jenn, please meet with me this weekend. It would mean so much. Can we please just get together for a meal or a walk around the mall or something? I'll come there, we can meet half-way and go somewhere. Something, anything, I don't care where it is. Just please see me. Please see what can be. I know you think you already know and I don't blame you given how long we were together. But I've changed, I swear, I have changed. You know it, you more or less said it yourself a few weeks ago.

 I can be everything you need in a partner. I can be your Prince Charming; who doesn't take everything so seriously, that takes it one day at a time, who's not needy and clingy, who makes you smile and laugh, who doesn't constantly discuss the future, who delivers, but also doesn't promise things that aren't realistic.

I can make you feel safe. I can be decisive and strong. I can plan things for us. I can be nurturing. I share your interests and always have. I can be all this and so much more. I mean it. I have never been more serious in my life. I have changed. I swear it up and down, left to right. I need you to believe me. I can prove it right from the start, Jenn. I know I can. I will if you let me.

Please understand that I would NEVER EVER stop you from doing things for yourself, from crossing things off your bucket list, or anything else you want to do for yourself. I would always encourage you to do so. That should be part of life.

Please think about this. I know you say you have thought about this a lot, but please think about it again. Please think about your own words that you have written to me, even recently. We truly should have given this year more time. 

 I love you beyond words and I really, truly mean it; always have and always will. I don't need you to take care of me. I want to take care of you, and I can. I can prove it if you will just see me. Really think about this. Just give me a little bit of your time so I can show you. You will not regret it. You will not be disappointed. I won't be a bummer, I won't make you uncomfortable, I won't sulk, I won't make unrealistic promises like Bernie Sanders, but I know I have changed, I know what I can do.

 There's no one else I'd rather prove it to than you; the love of my life, the angel who has shown me time and time again that there's more to life than being depressed, that there are so many things to be grateful for, who has shown me how meaningful and wonderful life can be, that there are so many things out there to enjoy and share with someone you love.


Please think about this and talk to me...

"'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you."

Nights in White Satin

 We were talking and I must've said the wrong thing because her word count suddenly dropped from paragraphs to single letters. My heart continues to sink further and further to the deepest depths of despair and misery. I just want her to be my girl again. I love her so much. I would do absolutely anything for this woman at any given moment on any day. I am devastated. I feel like I may not survive this. I want her so bad, and this lack of reciprocation is a pill I don't feel I can swallow.

I love you so god damned much. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to keep you safe, I want to tell you and remind you of how amazing you are each and every day, I want to make you smile, I want to make you laugh, I want to keep you warm, I want to make you feel better when you're sad, I want to take care of you when you're sick...please let me...why won't you let me? Please let me. Please. Please. Please. Please. 

I tear up as I type this...you mean absolutely everything to me and that will never change. Please give me another chance. I'm different now, J. I've been changing for a while. I know we can be happy. 

Please reconsider this decision....PLEASE.  

 Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.

Gazing at people,
Some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going thru
They can understand.

Some try to tell me
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be
You will be in the end,

And I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

Thursday

She called last night and we talked for about half an hour. It was so nice to hear her voice again. I couldn't get enough, I had to hold back how overexcited I felt. I want to talk to her again so bad. I love seeing her face on the caller ID. A warm feeling comes over me when I know I am going to hear her voice. I feel terrible for missing her text message later on in the evening. She continues to be all I think about. I love and miss her so much, I sincerely hope she feels the same. What I'd give to hold her in my arms again and gently kiss her on the neck, on the forehead, on the sweetest lips I ever tasted.

Song of the day:

Giving In

The only words I have for you today are words I borrowed:

Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

Caught up, in life
Losing all my friends
Family has tried, to heal all my addictions
Tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

I look forward, to dying tonight
Drinks 'till I'm myself, life's harder every day
The stress has got me
I'm giving in
Giving
Giving in, NO!

Take me under
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm dying tonight
(I'm sick of all this pain)
Watch me crumble
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm crying tonight

I'm giving in to you
Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you

 

I promise:

To never discuss the future again. To never discuss moving in together again. To take things 150% less serious. To be 150% more easy going. To be 150% less needy and dependent. To be stop being the bearer of bad news, emotional outbursts, pessimism, and depressing thoughts. To no longer talk about you coming over every weekend. To stand on my own. To be someone you can rely on emotionally and otherwise and to not crack under pressure. To be someone you can grow with. To be someone you can share your hobbies and interests with. To be a pleasant person. To make you smile and laugh. To be someone you can look forward to seeing and talking to. To eliminate uncertainty about how things will be day by day. To be conversational. To not make you nervous or overwhelm you. To make you happy and never hurt you or let you down again.

 I love you so much. I miss you so much. I miss the sound of your voice so much. I miss looking into your eyes so much. I miss holding you in my arms so much. I miss seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. Every time my phone makes any noise I hope it's you calling or texting. I dream every night that we will see and hold each other again. I would do absolutely anything to make that a reality.  Please, PLEASE don't give up on me. Please have faith in me. Let me make things better. Let me make things right. Let me prove how wide open my eyes are.

Song of the day:

 

Monday

Just got back from a pretty long bike ride. I went down Airoso, over Crosstown, down Whitmore and stopped by my parent's house for a few minutes. Then when I left, I went down the remainder of Whitmore and took Bayshore back over Crosstown to Prima Vista, and took Prima Vista back to my house. It was a good little bit of exercise. It made me feel good.

But as soon as I got home, I wanted to cry. The relief and exhilaration I was feeling during the bike ride left instantly. My breathing is uneven, and I am desperately holding back tears. It seems no matter what I do, it always comes back to her and how much I miss her. We talked very briefly this morning and fell into radio silence. I'm not blaming her, but still it hurts so much. I wish she could see what I see. I wish so bad she would rethink this; rethink us, even if we had to lay out ground rules that we never applied before, and just try again for the sake of a new year, and a new beginning. How badly I want to wrap my arms around her in a loving embrace and never let go.

Song of the day: