Scrupulous

One more time I wither alone
These solemn groans
Of which no one knows
My will to persist is running so thin
Wave a flag, just fuckin' let me win

These cards - that I hold
Reappeared - ten fold
The sky always looks so dark from here..no

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

To this day I'm still hearing those sounds
They haunt my dreams
Never let me sleep (let me sleep, let me sleep)
Feel destroyed - hopes continue to wither
Wave the flag, just fuckin' wave the flag

Forsake - such swine
They knew - the whole time
Why did I let them so close to me?
I will not let them get close to me..

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
So where's the way out?

Where is the way out?
Get me the fuck out!

I can't go through this again
Where is the way out?
I have no will to pretend
There is no way out

The Cycle

Again this morning, I felt alone
I look around to see a truth that follows
Silent rooms

Again tonight, the tears just fall
This reticence speaks to me in volumes
Lovely gloom

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Can't this pain just die?

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

I see no reason to even move
So antagonistic is this sunrise
I don't care

This reality into which I'm bound
Is so desolate and feels so hollow
No one's there

Oh, why? Why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
Please just tell me why

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
Just another lonely day

Why, why?
Why, oh why?
Why..why?
It just never dies

And once again, I fight through the day
Never burning off this sorrow
And just one more time, I'm up very late
Longing for a quick and painless ending
And just one more time, I do try again
With even more shit and piss piled upon my plate
And it won't ever change
It's just another lonely day

Expunge

Catastrophe - That's all I am

I'm never free - I realized

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Demon from above - He steals the light

Lost of all resolve - I'm unwilling to fight

 I cannot go on..I cannot go on..no longer go on

 Something I hoped for

In ashes on the floor

It's gone

I'm done

I dreamed of a world

Where it's never raining

I watched it die

I saw open spaces

Where there were no traces

Of he who died

Who died..who died

Who's he who died?

Don't worry - He died

Who's he who died?

He was a lie!

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone - I'm done

It's gone

Gone

I'm done

Serrated

Placed, woke up in this space
Dreaming of that face
Running out of patience
While weeping for those thoughts erased
All emotions run, the worst has just begun
Stuck in this dreary microcosm
I feel my soul's on fire

This is not the world I once knew
I have never felt so unglued
No one here believes
All my trust is gone

Why keep trying, I know I'll never fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world full of shit, I know!

Blank, surrendered for my own sake
Again in my master's wake
Hold me back before I fuck it up
Tell me now, am I too late?
With such brittle knees
The task sits incomplete
"I never gave a fuck"
Once said a brilliant liar

My impression always meant shit
I know I've always lacked good judgment
Just ignore me, please
That's all I ever will deserve

I tried again and again I didn't fuckin' make it

I am trapped in a world full of shit, I know this now!
I am indeed in a world of shit, I know!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died!

Murky, bloody, muddied!
These tepid waters stewing irrevocably with ambiguous rage which irks and must be known
You can't heal this pain, you can't heal this pain
God has again won, yet he won't get out of my way

Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why!!!

I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these feelings have left me
I once cared, but as you can see, these endearing feelings have all died

Have died..all died..

Vestige

Woeful thoughts, just fade away

Creeping closer every day

Line's been crossed, I'm now myself

These icy feelings long to melt

Not a vestige left of him

Speak in truth's, not meant to sin

What you see is the real me

Hold this knife and set me free

Empty shells speak of what can be

Ghosts of time still scream at me

True soul inside cries, "let me feel"

Let this life sentence be repealed

These tears that fall are all I see

Invisible, I long to be

I fear tomorrow, I fear this dream

I fear this life and all it means 

These dirty deeds are sure to be what consumes me

I did it all, guilty as sin inside

Please part these clouds, lost alone in the darkness

If doomed to fail, please just let me close these eyes

One more time..

Looking and feeling good today.

I am just a few days shy of 7 months on hormone replacement therapy. I've lost nearly 80 pounds now and I am feeling great about myself. Today I am feeling better than I have on any day since Mother's Day passed. I hope I continue to feel this good. Here are some pictures of my progress thus far.

Mother's Day

There's no one left in my life to send this to

There is no one left to call

And what would I even say?

If I had a mother on this day

And I know I'm a stranger now 

There is really no one left at all

And I know I'm a stranger now

And if I wanted to forget you exist, I can't

And if I wanted to fill this hole, I can't

There is really no one left to call

My mother on this day

It breaks my heart to close this book

It breaks my heart and the life this took

I love you even as I leave

And I know you won't believe