Going Through Changes

I woke up at 6:00 this morning wanting so bad to just hit myself over the fucking head with a frying pan and knock myself back out. I don't know what to do with myself. She continues to be all I can think about and I wish so bad I knew what she was thinking about. I have already cried several times this morning, wishing so bad Jenn would text me 'good morning' or call, or just come up behind me and wrap her arms around me.

I don't have the will to empty out the drawer next to her side of the bed. I don't have the will to empty her things out of the bathroom. Everything is right where she left it. I can't bear to throw out her cards. I also can't bear to delete my pictures of her, and of us together.

I want nothing more than the opportunity to start this relationship over from day zero with a clean slate. I look at myself in pictures of us happily together, and I just want to jump into the image and ring my own fucking neck and yell, "Don't fuck this up, you asshole! You're going to lose the most amazing woman in the world if you don't get your god damn act together. Wake the fuck up and realize what you have already!"

I want to call her or message her, but I am so afraid to. I dread that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore after our last talk the other night, and it hurts so much.

Did I lose her entirely and for good? I want to see her beautiful face on the caller ID again, I want to hear her voice so bad again, I want to see her messages pop up again, I want to bring joy into her life again, and ONLY joy.

Regardless of how she may of felt about what I wrote yesterday; if she even read it, I hope I didn't lose her friendship. Her absence this past 24 hours has been brutal on me. She is the only star that shines through the cloudy skies of my life. Please don't go.

Song of the day with lyrics:

Please read, Jenn..

It's so hard. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through this weekend. Not so much because it's the time of the week where we would see each other if at all, but because even if we didn't see each other, I could get through the weekend and I can rest my head just knowing you loved me, that we were together; that you were mine.

But it's been several weeks now since we have seen each other, and with every day that passes without you, I lose a little more of myself. I want to see you so bad. How many different ways can I say that you mean everything to me?  I can't live this way, I just fucking can't and I'm scared I am not going to ever recover.

Jenn, please meet with me this weekend. It would mean so much. Can we please just get together for a meal or a walk around the mall or something? I'll come there, we can meet half-way and go somewhere. Something, anything, I don't care where it is. Just please see me. Please see what can be. I know you think you already know and I don't blame you given how long we were together. But I've changed, I swear, I have changed. You know it, you more or less said it yourself a few weeks ago.

 I can be everything you need in a partner. I can be your Prince Charming; who doesn't take everything so seriously, that takes it one day at a time, who's not needy and clingy, who makes you smile and laugh, who doesn't constantly discuss the future, who delivers, but also doesn't promise things that aren't realistic.

I can make you feel safe. I can be decisive and strong. I can plan things for us. I can be nurturing. I share your interests and always have. I can be all this and so much more. I mean it. I have never been more serious in my life. I have changed. I swear it up and down, left to right. I need you to believe me. I can prove it right from the start, Jenn. I know I can. I will if you let me.

Please understand that I would NEVER EVER stop you from doing things for yourself, from crossing things off your bucket list, or anything else you want to do for yourself. I would always encourage you to do so. That should be part of life.

Please think about this. I know you say you have thought about this a lot, but please think about it again. Please think about your own words that you have written to me, even recently. We truly should have given this year more time. 

 I love you beyond words and I really, truly mean it; always have and always will. I don't need you to take care of me. I want to take care of you, and I can. I can prove it if you will just see me. Really think about this. Just give me a little bit of your time so I can show you. You will not regret it. You will not be disappointed. I won't be a bummer, I won't make you uncomfortable, I won't sulk, I won't make unrealistic promises like Bernie Sanders, but I know I have changed, I know what I can do.

 There's no one else I'd rather prove it to than you; the love of my life, the angel who has shown me time and time again that there's more to life than being depressed, that there are so many things to be grateful for, who has shown me how meaningful and wonderful life can be, that there are so many things out there to enjoy and share with someone you love.


Please think about this and talk to me...

"'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you."

Nights in White Satin

 We were talking and I must've said the wrong thing because her word count suddenly dropped from paragraphs to single letters. My heart continues to sink further and further to the deepest depths of despair and misery. I just want her to be my girl again. I love her so much. I would do absolutely anything for this woman at any given moment on any day. I am devastated. I feel like I may not survive this. I want her so bad, and this lack of reciprocation is a pill I don't feel I can swallow.

I love you so god damned much. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to keep you safe, I want to tell you and remind you of how amazing you are each and every day, I want to make you smile, I want to make you laugh, I want to keep you warm, I want to make you feel better when you're sad, I want to take care of you when you're sick...please let me...why won't you let me? Please let me. Please. Please. Please. Please. 

I tear up as I type this...you mean absolutely everything to me and that will never change. Please give me another chance. I'm different now, J. I've been changing for a while. I know we can be happy. 

Please reconsider this decision....PLEASE.  

 Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.

Gazing at people,
Some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going thru
They can understand.

Some try to tell me
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be
You will be in the end,

And I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

'Cause I love you,
Yes, I love you,
Oh, how, I love you.
Oh, how, I love you.

Thursday

She called last night and we talked for about half an hour. It was so nice to hear her voice again. I couldn't get enough, I had to hold back how overexcited I felt. I want to talk to her again so bad. I love seeing her face on the caller ID. A warm feeling comes over me when I know I am going to hear her voice. I feel terrible for missing her text message later on in the evening. She continues to be all I think about. I love and miss her so much, I sincerely hope she feels the same. What I'd give to hold her in my arms again and gently kiss her on the neck, on the forehead, on the sweetest lips I ever tasted.

Song of the day:

Giving In

The only words I have for you today are words I borrowed:

Will you, walk me
To the edge again
Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one's here with me
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

Caught up, in life
Losing all my friends
Family has tried, to heal all my addictions
Tragic it seems, to be alone again
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

I look forward, to dying tonight
Drinks 'till I'm myself, life's harder every day
The stress has got me
I'm giving in
Giving
Giving in, NO!

Take me under
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm dying tonight
(I'm sick of all this pain)
Watch me crumble
(I'm killing all the pain)
I'm crying tonight

I'm giving in to you
Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I'm giving in to you
I'm crying tonight
I'm giving in to you

Take me under
I'm giving in to you
I'm dying tonight
I'm giving in to you

 

I promise:

To never discuss the future again. To never discuss moving in together again. To take things 150% less serious. To be 150% more easy going. To be 150% less needy and dependent. To be stop being the bearer of bad news, emotional outbursts, pessimism, and depressing thoughts. To no longer talk about you coming over every weekend. To stand on my own. To be someone you can rely on emotionally and otherwise and to not crack under pressure. To be someone you can grow with. To be someone you can share your hobbies and interests with. To be a pleasant person. To make you smile and laugh. To be someone you can look forward to seeing and talking to. To eliminate uncertainty about how things will be day by day. To be conversational. To not make you nervous or overwhelm you. To make you happy and never hurt you or let you down again.

 I love you so much. I miss you so much. I miss the sound of your voice so much. I miss looking into your eyes so much. I miss holding you in my arms so much. I miss seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. Every time my phone makes any noise I hope it's you calling or texting. I dream every night that we will see and hold each other again. I would do absolutely anything to make that a reality.  Please, PLEASE don't give up on me. Please have faith in me. Let me make things better. Let me make things right. Let me prove how wide open my eyes are.

Song of the day:

 

Monday

Just got back from a pretty long bike ride. I went down Airoso, over Crosstown, down Whitmore and stopped by my parent's house for a few minutes. Then when I left, I went down the remainder of Whitmore and took Bayshore back over Crosstown to Prima Vista, and took Prima Vista back to my house. It was a good little bit of exercise. It made me feel good.

But as soon as I got home, I wanted to cry. The relief and exhilaration I was feeling during the bike ride left instantly. My breathing is uneven, and I am desperately holding back tears. It seems no matter what I do, it always comes back to her and how much I miss her. We talked very briefly this morning and fell into radio silence. I'm not blaming her, but still it hurts so much. I wish she could see what I see. I wish so bad she would rethink this; rethink us, even if we had to lay out ground rules that we never applied before, and just try again for the sake of a new year, and a new beginning. How badly I want to wrap my arms around her in a loving embrace and never let go.

Song of the day:

Sunday

I just got back from my parent's house. I was there just briefly. I wanted to stay longer, but they were busy. My stepdad helped me tighten one of my radiator hoses because anti-freeze was leaking out. I also picked up a mountain bike while I was there, and inflated the tires. I intend to start taking short rides starting tomorrow, and working myself into a regiment. Hopefully this week, my mom will also have some BPO's for me to help her with. So, there's that.

I heard from "J" last night, and briefly again this morning. I attempted to strike up a dialogue and sent her a YouTube video I thought she might like. She certainly seems very distant, and very reluctant to talk at all. And its hard to read her tone. I don't know how to feel about it. I am grateful to talk to her at all though.

I want so bad to be hugged. I want so bad to be loved. I want so bad to hug. I want so bad to love. I want so bad to give. I want so bad to make a difference in a special girl's life; to make her happy, to be someone she can depend on and trust anytime, anywhere. I long so bad for her sweet lips against mine again.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Friends?

I've said before and I will say it again. It just never gets any easier. I'm still having bad dreams every night. I still feel like my life is completely meaningless from the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment I am finally asleep.

It hurts so bad. There's something wrong with my head. It just wants to focus on everyone and everything I've lost this year. I tried so hard to fight off these feelings and urges, but after my shower; while I was drying off, it became clear that the control was no longer mine. I sat flatly on the toilet seat and began to weep uncontrollably with my face buried in my hands. It didn't make me feel any better to let it out either, but more and more tears ran their way to my tear ducts and out the other side as if the whole system could blow at any moment.

"J", if you're reading this, my most recent writing in this blog under this one was definitely not written as an excuse to be mean, nasty, angry or whatever else you may of said. I don't write, nor do I live as if everything is either 'rainbows and sunshine' or "ominous, mean, angry and nasty." I write about how I feel, I write to try and find out why I feel that way, and I also use my time writing in this blog to try and get my brain thinking about what does and doesn't make sense about how I feel, and from there I begin to try and pull out any weeds in my mind that may be holding me back, and also weeds from the situational soil. As an avid read and writer yourself, you should be able to understand what I mean, and perhaps with a second look, after reading my explanation here, that could be better understood. My writing, whether it mentions you in it or not is never meant to hurt you. Heartfelt, detailed, truthful, with a lot of nasty weeds that I needed to get pulled from my brain. Straight, unfiltered, uncensored, frank, blunt, honest, with conservative portions of sarcasm and perhaps a bit snippy at times. But in no way mean and nasty.

In any case, I am more than entitled to write about how I feel no matter who's feelings it hurts. I would never be writing about anyone other than myself unless I had cause to, which, in this case, I did and still do have cause. I am mourning the loss of my best friend; the most beautiful dog in the world, Sunny. I still miss her so fucking much, I can't stand it. I am also mourning the lost of my one and only human best friend, Carol who will never talk to me again because she got tired of me complaining about "J" so she blocked my numbers on her phone. This girl Carol, is the same girl I helped find a good paying job by recommending her to the company I worked for in Vero Beach, having told them that they should hire her because she smart and an extremely hard worker. I also helped this girl move, and even let her stay here for several weeks free of charge when she had no place to live at all. So, that's another friendship added to the pile of ashes. It's so hard just to make regular new friends down here, especially at this age, and especially in school which is the only real place to meet them in the first place, because everyone can see how old you are.

When "J" first messaged me off OkayCupid.com I was shocked. I couldn't remember the last time before that nor could I think of anyone else who has ever messaged me off that site since. I'm so eternally grateful that my profile and pictures were interesting enough, that she felt inclined enough to actually contact me, and I wish so fucking badly that she was still here (Here comes the tears again). Granted I haven't tried to meet anyone new since we broke up, but even if I were to try online dating again, no one online seems to find anything appealing about my online profiles and I have no fucking clue what they'd want to see anyway. And most importantly, none of them could ever be "J."

I am really turned off by the idea of going back on those dating websites, updating my pictures, the bio pages and all that shit. I don't want to play fucking games, and that's what they in fact feel like to me. I want "J" back and I am not the least bit interested in inspecting my dating website profiles for flaws or errors just so some anonymous horny slut can feel inspired to message me. Between relationships and friendships, I'm not doing really good down here.

I'm crying too hard now to even keep typing. I keep having to get up for more and more scraps of paper towels. I wish on anything and everything in existence that Jenn would call me so I can hear her voice. I just want to talk to her again. I need to hear her voice. I want to keep her in my life. I can't go on knowing we will never see or speak to each other again. She's too important to just become a distant memory. There's too much at stake between us; too much at stake for both of us. I don't want to let her go. I love her so fucking much. I want to think that even if this is not the right time for her to be with me, that we can at least be friends for now, however long or short-term that friendship turns out being, permanent or not. But I continue to dream over her every night. Wishing she was snoring in bed next to me. Wishing the phone will ring around 4:30pm each weekday afternoon. I miss the way she called me babe and baby. I miss the receiving of a much desired kiss-face emoji. I miss her scent. I miss her hair. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss her kisses. I miss her arms around me and vice versa. I miss so many fucking things, I could go on and on. I love her so fucking much. This kills me a little more each and everyday.

I'm in hysterics now. I need to stop. I think I made my point.

I respect your decision, regardless of its toll on me. Regardless of how much my heart and mind may disagree with it. However, I feel like I am losing more and more life with every fleeting day that we are completely incommunicado. Please call and talk to me. That's all I ask. Please, Jenn. If nothing else, please be my friend. Do I not deserve that? Please call...

The Song of the day:

Friday Morning Lights

I spent the better part of yesterday at my mother's house. It was nice to get out of the house after being cooped up in my own since the day my heart was ripped from the chest and shoved directly up my own ass because someone thought it was for the best. The same someone who recently made it clear that I am no Prince Charming, and apparently come with none of his supposed attributes or qualities. The same someone who has made it clear that I kept her from doing things for herself, enjoying her life, crossing shit off her bucket list and has now subscribed to wine and coloring books to relieve the mounds of stress I have caused just this year alone with my overflow of love and outreach; lack of fights and arguments. I guess I was always a shitty boyfriend. I guess I always drove her nuts. I guess I wasn't enough of an emotionally disconnected, selfish slob like "R" was. I'm sure she'll eventually find someone who will ask her about every single fantasy book she reads. I guess it wasn't enough that I regularly inquired about how her day was going, what she was up to, how she was feeling, so on and SO FORTH. The fact is nothing I ever did to try and finely tune myself to what her definition of Prince Charming was ever sufficed. Nothing I ever did to fix my mistakes was enough. I bent over backwards trying to be a better boyfriend. I tried to change so many fucking things about the relationship and myself only to be told she didn't want that. I just don't fucking get it. But somehow "R" kept it going with her for almost a decade, and he didn't seem to give a flying fuck about her or her feelings from what I could tell while we were both in the picture. He would lie and neglect constantly. And ultimately, HE decided to leave HER.

I assisted my mother with taking our one surviving dog to the vet because she has been acting strangely, and urinating a lot more. After a urine analysis and some ex-rays, it was determined that our 8 year old Shiba Inu has kidney stones and the "spine of an 18 year old dog." So, now she is on a prescription dog food and painkillers. Awesome news. I was very glad to add it to the pile of shit that's already happened this year, in a year where I was absolutely set on improving all aspects of my life, and that of the woman I loved dearly and thought I'd still be with.

I had a long talk with my sister yesterday, and it was nice to finally talk to someone who seemed to be on my side, who was open to trying to understand what I'm going through, how I feel, and how hurtful this has all been. Among other helpful things, she said I ought to use this time to try and finally get back to trying to write something. She also did invite me to come and visit in New York in the near future. Hopefully the two of us will stay in closer contact from now on.

 It's funny how despite there supposedly being so many parallels between myself and "R" (which I find insulting given what I know about him) and me being the 'cleaner' one (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean), I was worthy of being dumped via fucking text message AND he's the one who left her. A victim of her own failed sexual experiment. I am so tempted to just go on and on about her. I just want to write sentence after long-running sentence; paragraph after long-running paragraph about how hurt I am, how alone I feel, how wrong she is for doing this, how sorry she is going to be and so on. I don't think there is any fucking point though. She feels how she feels, she 'knows' what she 'knows,' she has it all figured out, she knows what's best, and she decided text messaging me her goodbyes after 2 years together (regardless of how she felt about those years) was the way to do it. That's love for you.

Nice guys always finish last.

I am off to shower and then head down to the Humane Society of Fort Pierce to inquire about becoming a volunteer. It was my mom's suggestion. I think it will help me feel productive, useful and give me a chance to be around the animals I love. Here is my song of the morning:

Hopes for a better year already tarnished

In less than 2 months, I've already lost a job before I even started it, lost a girlfriend,  lost a "best friend" and lost my dog.

I am seriously being tested, or so it feels like. On a level like I've never felt. Between everything happening in the world, happening around me, and happening in my life it is extremely hard not to lose faith in the world, in life, in any reason for being here. Unless you count the one or two social ties I have abroad,  I really have no friends. And my own family can't stand me. They keep as much of a distance as they can. I don't even have a dog. I feel so fucking alone.

Am I a bad person or is there just not a single good person left in the world? Am I really the garbage of the universe and that's why I'm so alone? Did I do this to myself or is there something larger at play isolating me into this morbid destitute? 

The fact is I believe I am a good person. I believe I have desirable qualities. I have always tried to be good and generous to people. I've taken in people who have had no where to go and fed and showered them. So why am I left so alone in the end? It feels like a fucking curse.

How can Jenn fall out of love with me? It's not fair. I'm smart, I'm talented, and I was misled when it came to starting this last new job. She knew I had the drive and determination and qualifications for the job and many others like it. I wasn't complacent, or unmotivated. I was constantly trying to impress her, pretty much to no avail. I guess I shouldn't be surprised she left me. When the honeymoon phase was over, it felt as if she thought she was too good for me. But I loved her so much, and I still do. I've cried over her several times everyday since she dumped me, and I'm sure the tears are far from done falling.

And may I just say fuck Carol. Fuck her to no end, that screwy loon, flaky, weird and sorry ass excuse for a friend. She is the least dependable person I have ever fucking met. She is incapable of maintaining a friendship with anyone that requires any form of human communication to be sustained. And she also thinks drinking large amounts of whiskey and going for joyrides go hand in hand. So, you know she's got it all figured out.

Is it me or is it humanity? I have tried to be good to people. Honestly, I have. I know I'm far from perfect. But I am not a bad person. I don't want to be alone. I want to be liked. I don't want to be hated. But I don't want to have to fucking pander, or pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm so worried that I'm going to be alone forever and that scares the hell out of me.

I used to not care what people thought about me. I used to not care about people. I used to not care about politics or the world. I used to not care how many friends I had, how many phone numbers I had memorized, how many online contacts I had, let alone what people fucking worry about now in this new society that is narcissistic on a whole new level that's just revolting to me.

I may just be doomed to disappear or be forgotten whether I change who I am or not. I may just be worth anyone's time because I'm not a youtube star or a major instagrammer or tweeter. I never kept close contacts growing up, having moved around so much and having gone through so much turmoil. So now, everything in our world socially and otherwisr has all been digitalized and gentrified. Everyone I knew went along with it and my absence from it has just caused me to be forgotten about.

There's something that feels very nefarious about this new world. People have changed. Culture has changed. And I feel alone and forgotten. Now with Jenn gone,  my only friend gone, my dog gone and my family hanging on by a thread, I see nothing good on the horizon. It's like my life already peaked and I'm just done. Alone and done. Crying alone at night in a humid ant-infested house.

Its not getting any easier

I hope Jenn is reading this. Because its only way I can let her know how much she's killing me without breaking my vow not to communicate with her. I dreamed about her last night, I lay in silence staring at the ceiling all morning wanting to talk to her, surrounded by the Kurt Cobain poster ahe just bought me, laying on sheets she bought for the bed gave me, another poster she gave me affixed to the wall on my left.

You're fucking killing me, Jenn. I love you so much. I love everything about you so much, I have no will to do anything or go anywhere anymore. I'm basically decomposing. I'm sick without you. What is wrong with me? Why did you have to leave?!

Ive never felt this way about anyone or anything. Tell me, what do I have to do to make you happy? What do I have to do to make you understand? What do I have to do to make you love me? And if I can't make you love me, then tell me what do I have to do forget about you.

I'm sorry again about what I called you last night. Please talk to me. Please.

To Jenn

First I was gonna write a sappy love song, sappy love poem, as sappy as they come

Then I realized that I knew that you'd expect that, hell, maybe even this one

But surprise is an element I no longer give a shit about

This isn't about eloquence as much as it is about hearing me out

The background that I came from is nothing like yours.

I didn't have a clear path from high school to college doors.

I spent my 19th birthday and that Easter on the streets

Just for bringing a girl over without permission it seems

Living out of the back of a 2 door Saturn is no way to have to live

While you're 19, working as a supervisor, as a roofer and trying to earn college creds

People say I feel entitled, am placing blame on no one but myself
But to all those who never had to face any adversity and say its just me,
I say go fuck yourself